So, Mary, what are you going to do now that you've just ended the most (mentally) challenging semester of your life?
...I'M GOING TO DISNEY WORLD. no, really.
I've actually been dreaming about saying that for weeks, and now that it comes time to, thoughts are hard to form. I have literally been waiting for this moment to come. This has, really, been the most challenging semester of my life. I've reached my low points many times a
nd contemplated giving up, but I am now done...and so ready to move ahead.
Now, I know I have been kind of down all semester, and I hate to be a negative person, but somehow I just got into this funk..and I couldn't figure out how to get out. I know that I am a very fortunate person, that I have great opportun
ities and am SO HAPPY to be where I am in my life, but something just wasn't right. It was killing me that I was so unhappy when I really should be so happy, that there are people out there who have so much less than me and weren't feeling the way I was. I was crying every night, and while there are a number of reasons that could be challenging, everything came back to the living situation I was in (being a Resident Assistant), and how miserable it made me. While I've been an RA for the past year and a half, something just wasn't clicking anymore, and it was taking over my personal life in an unhealthy way. I could say so many negative things about the situation, but I am just going to chalk it up and move ahead. And that's exactly how I see it. Moving ahead.
It was so hard for me to end my time as an RA because I really do enjoy some of the fundamental aspects of it. But where I was, I couldn't enjoy it. Yes, I do need the money; yes, I do enjoy helping others and creating a community, but what was brought along with it was bringing me down big time, and it wasn't worth my happiness. College is supposed to be a time where you work for bettering yourself in all areas, and I was working nonstop for about a number other people and it became unhealthy. While I'm sure I'll reflect more later, for now, the simple happiness of moving on to the next chapter is enough for me; why overanalyze it?
I want to continue to help people, but how can I do that without being the healthiest person I can be first? At least that's how someone great explained it to me.
Now, I am about to signify the end of this rough semester, and move on to the next chapter. Today, I removed myself from the environment I believed was toxic to me. Starting with tomorrow, one of my best friends and I will be defeating holiday travelers to fly to one of my most favorite places, Disney World, to visit another best friend who is doing a semester there. But that's not all. As the song goes, I'll be home for Christmas to spend time with my amazing family..the ones who, when they found out just how hard I was having, helped me out, and supported my choices. I know that they would do anything for me, including move me out of a tough spot without any complaints. After Christmas, my amazing boyfriend has gotten me a flight to go visit him in Maryland for New Years Eve. While, as stated in previous posts, this scares the pants off me, I'm just so happy to be spending time with such amazing people. So, 6 flights here I come. I am ready to see where they take me, signifying an end to this challenging time, and a start to a next chapter. I am so fortunate. At a particularly low point this semester, as I was deciding whether or not to continue being an RA next semester, had contemplated booking my flight to Florida for financial reasons, when a mentor of mine said to me, "I just have this picture of you, on a plane, the day after you remove yourself from what seems to be the root of this semester's problems; ready." And after all these decisions were made, the waiting game started. And now I'm done!
So there. Life is amazing; and there was something really huge standing in my way from helping me enjoy it the last few months. While I've struggled so much
with knowing this fact, yet feeling helpless to feel anything but helpless, I'm ready to get back into the world, better myself, and figure out what my next moves are. To anyone who has supported me the last few months, I thank you and I am so grateful for you and everything you do. After a while of doing everything for everyone else, I'm going to start doing me, and figuring out exactly what that means, and how I can apply that to the rest of the world.
*Update: I got a 4.0 this semester, so while I feel that I was so mentally taxed, my academics were a rock (among many), and I am grateful and proud.
"Around here, we don't look backwards for very long... We keep moving forward, opening up new doors and doing new things because we're curious...and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths..." - Walt Disney
