magic.

"And above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places. Those who don't believe in magic will never find it."

being back in the saddle.

"At some point you have to make a decision. Boundaries don't keep other people out. They fence you in. Life is messy. That's how we're made. So, you can waste your life drawing lines. Or you can live your life crossing them."

- Grey's Anatomy.

admitting I'm a bit lost right now.

So, a couple of months ago I received a love letter. Not the creepy kind of love letter, even though it felt that way at first, as he explained from the get go, but a letter of someone sincerely saying they were thinking about me and what had happened to me in my life. It was from a person I knew through grade school, up until graduation when we all parted ways, and came in the form of Facebook messages (take that Nicholas Sparks, get in my digital age). It started out with saying that I deserve to hear what he thought about me in the most honest way, because someone should tell me. This really...confused me, my mind jumping to I must have wronged him in some way back in school, and he wanted to get itoff his chest. So now, after years of being out of high school, this person decided to contact me:

Excuse my lack of explaining the situation, I was trying to avoid putting you in an awkward position. Basically, since I've met you, I felt a connection to you, and I always liked you more than a friend. The whole point of why I originally sent you a message then deleted it (although somehow an upside down question mark got sent) was because I felt motivated to tell you how I've always felt about you. Then I decided that I should delete that message that explained in detail why you were someone I adored and thought was absolutely amazing.

So, me, naturally being completely lost when it comes to anything like this, asked what he meant, since that was basically all I got, an upside-down question mark and some vagueness. The next part is where it really gets me...I then received the longest message I have ever received, in full detail, of many redeeming qualities this friend thinks I possess. That's it. Plain and simple. Not asking for anything in return, he just wanted me to know how he has felt about me, from the time in third grade in religious education classes at church, through the time I had my first boyfriend who was not treating me so kindly, up through high school when I loved to paint, and so on...in detail. For some reason, I laughed it off at the time, read it with my best friends, thinking of it as nice, but I. never. responded. I received a couple more messages, mostly with apologies for making things awkward, but I really didn't even pay attention to them. Life was moving too fast for me. For some reason, today I decided to get back to him, and I saw this final message:

Hey I'm sorry again this was stupidly embarrassing, and I realize it is weird to have explained all of this (I should have not tried to justify why I accidentally sent you something, and so let's just forget it). As I'm looking over this whole fiasco, it is so stupid I never honestly wanted it to go this way if I was going to tell you how I felt in the past haha... all

because of a stupid question mark that I can't explain either. It's pretty laughable how stupid it is. Sometimes it is what it is, you know? But basically I just wanted to tell you how amazing you are and I hope you realize it. Don't ever under value yourself (not that I'm saying you have or are), just remember that. And if you EVER need someone to vent to, need advice on something, or even anything at all, don't hesitate to ask. Good luck Mary, I hope all is well.

And now I'm thinking WHAT THE HELL, MARY? For someone who values kindness over matter, over anything else, why didn't I respond to such a heartfelt thing that someone has taken the time for? It's not like I had to drop everything and marry him, but why didn't I at least acknowledge how nice this was? What the hell was I doing that was so important for months that I couldn't at least respond?

And that's what puts me here, when I have to be up in a couple hours for a l

ong day of work, trying to type up some sort of response to make up for my lack of response. And why today, of all days, is this getting to me so badly?

caring.

"normal".

"And now we're supposed to go back to our normal lives. That's what people do. They have amazing experiences with another person and then they just go home and clean the bathroom or whatever."

- Susane Colasanti, When it Happens.

I totally get this right now, and am amazed by how this happens in life. I travel to East Africa and come back and can sit on my couch, watching crappy tv and eating junk food; come home from having an amazing experience with someone I love and have a completely normal day afterward. What do you do after these amazing experiences that honor what you've done? In the end, I guess it's day by day, in the little things you do that they show. They change you little by little, but I just don't know.

Children.

“

"Once a little boy sent me a charming card with a little drawing on it. I loved it. I answer all my children’s letters — sometimes very hastily — but this one I lingered over. I sent him a card and I drew a picture of a Wild Thing on it. I wrote, “Dear Jim: I loved your card.” Then I got a letter back from his mother and she said, “Jim loved your card so much he ate it.” That to me was one of the highest compliments I’ve ever received. He didn’t care that it was an original Maurice Sendak drawing or anything. He saw it, he loved it, he ate it." - Maurice Sendak

trying.

"'When people tell me that I'm good, my response is, 'I'm trying.' But there's some people that know me from back when- anytime I make a trip to New York- and when they hear I'm a pastor of a church, all of a sudden, it's like "'I know you gettin' paid, boy. I know you gettin' paid. I know you.'" He paused. His voice lowered. "No, I say. You knew me. You knew that person, but you don't know the person that I'm trying to become.'"

- Have a Little Faith: A True Story, by Mitch Albom

Memories that change you.

the truth.

The loving are the daring.

- Bayard Taylor

Buddha's wisdom

This past school year I did a hands-on project for Champlain on Shambhala Buddhism (a specific type), took a meditation introduction from an all-knowing man named Dan on a clarity-filled Saturday morning, wrote a 12 page ethnographic paper, and have been reading a novel on the history of it all. What really gets me is this man's brilliance. I promise myself to learn more about him, even if just his wisdom through quotes.

quotes.

fear, traveling, and love.

So after traveling halfway around the world to Africa to gain perspectives, make friends and help out in any way, to Canada on a runaway whim to drink beer and brainstorm about love andgrowing up with my sister, and down the coast to visit someone I love in a different way I hadn't experienced before, not to mention home to find my heart and mind searching in between; I'm a whirlwind of thinking right now. It's the end of June and this summer has been a complete game changer for me.

I have done things this summer so far that have scared the shit out of me, and may have even stopped me before in my life. In all of the months leading up to Tanz, I doubted myself out of fear. Many times I thought of backing out, thought I couldn't do it, that being out of my comfort zone for three weeks was too much to handle. I applied for the trip when I didn't know what would be going on in the future for me; I was thinking about my love for teaching at the time and was amazed at being accepted for the opportunity. Months before the trip I would leave a meeting, flop down on my boyfriends couch and say I couldn't do it, that it was just too much, and we'd resolve not to think about it because it was far away. Before I knew it, the time came to leave and I faced my fears of going, got on a plane, and traveled half way around the world with 11 other people. I can't really sum up the trip in one post of words, but I have a journal I kept that keeps me going back to that time. I could spend hours talking about the transformation, but I'm sure it'll just change as I do. I learned life stories, struggled to share my emotions (cried..a lot), and made some life long connections that have changed me

for the better. Bagamoyo, the town in Tanzania that we stayed in, means "lay down your heart", and that is exactly what I did. And importantly, I have found that doing what I was scared of has allowed me to do so.

Coming back from Tanz has continued to change me. After holing up in my bed with what felt like an African hangover for days, I was unsure of what else I could do in my life that would give me the same experience I had just had. I missed so many people, including my boyfriend that stood by my side during my roller-coaster of emotions leading up to the trip, and resolved to show the appreciation of relationships I observed in Bagamoyo in my everyday life. Saying proved to be a lot harder than doing right away, however. Reverse culture shock..well...shocked me. I wanted to do more things to challenge myself, to push boundaries, make my relationships better, and contribute to others in anyway that I can...but I didn't know where to start.

So, after my sister came home one day with relationship troubles and a rut she just couldn't get out, we resolved to run away. My sister and I have been a duo my whole life, and in a matter of an hours time and decisions between North or South, we were on our way to Montreal (Beer Fest..really!!!) for a night to get away from it all. And it helped.

And onto the next part.. I have just returned from visiting said boyfriend. It was the first time seeing him after a trip that has caused me to think about him and my relationship skills (or handicaps, b

asically) and a first of many things: of traveling far away to visit a boyfriend, of spending time living together straight, meeting his family, seeing where he comes from, etc. The feelings from before Africa flooded back to me before going, fear of laying down my heart, of being pushed out of my comfort zone. I have been criticized in so many relationships for "being at an arm's length", and relying on that length to keep me safe. But, I crossed that length by leaps and bounds for Bagamoyo and wasn't going to let it stop me again. And I'm glad I didn't.

This weekend has reinforced the fact that Tanzania has changed me, in a good way. As scared as I was to

push myself, and THEN to lose the rewarding feeling afterwards, I have found that you don't have to travel halfway across the world to lay down your heart, and the resolutions I have made can make a difference in living the life I want here. While I so wish to travel back to Tanzania as soon as I can, I am realizing how much it has helped me to experience my life here. I hope to keep this going in my life by creating new paths, keeping those experiences I have had alive by carrying them in my heart, and not being scared to lay it down when I need to.