So after traveling halfway around the world to Africa to gain perspectives, make friends and help out in any way, to Canada on a runaway whim to drink beer and brainstorm about love andgrowing up with my sister, and down the coast to visit someone I love in a different way I hadn't experienced before, not to mention home to find my heart and mind searching in between; I'm a whirlwind of thinking right now. It's the end of June and this summer has been a complete game changer for me. I have done things this summer so far that have scared the shit out of me, and may have even stopped me before in my life. In all of the months leading up to Tanz, I doubted myself out of fear. Many times I thought of backing out, thought I couldn't do it, that being out of my comfort zone for three weeks was too much to handle. I applied for the trip when I didn't know what would be going on in the future for me; I was thinking about my love for teaching at the time and was amazed at being accepted for the opportunity. Months before the trip I would leave a meeting, flop down on my boyfriends couch and say I couldn't do it, that it was just too much, and we'd resolve not to think about it because it was far away. Before I knew it, the time came to leave and I faced my fears of going, got on a plane, and traveled half way around the world with 11 other people. I can't really sum up the trip in one post of words, but I have a journal I kept that keeps me going back to that time. I could spend hours talking about the transformation, but I'm sure it'll just change as I do. I learned life stories, struggled to share my emotions (cried..a lot), and made some life long connections that have changed me
for the better. Bagamoyo, the town in Tanzania that we stayed in, means "lay down your heart", and that is exactly what I did. And importantly, I have found that doing what I was scared of has allowed me to do so.
Coming back from Tanz has continued to change me. After holing up in my bed with what felt like an African hangover for days, I was unsure of what else I could do in my life that would give me the same experience I had just had. I missed so many people, including my boyfriend that stood by my side during my roller-coaster of emotions leading up to the trip, and resolved to show the appreciation of relationships I observed in Bagamoyo in my everyday life. Saying proved to be a lot harder than doing right away, however. Reverse culture shock..well...shocked me. I wanted to do more things to challenge myself, to push boundaries, make my relationships better, and contribute to others in anyway that I can...but I didn't know where to start.
So, after my sister came home one day with relationship troubles and a rut she just couldn't get out, we resolved to run away. My sister and I have been a duo my whole life, and in a matter of an hours time and decisions between North or South, we were on our way to Montreal (Beer Fest..really!!!) for a night to get away from it all. And it helped.
And onto the next part.. I have just returned from visiting said boyfriend. It was the first time seeing him after a trip that has caused me to think about him and my relationship skills (or handicaps, b
asically) and a first of many things: of traveling far away to visit a boyfriend, of spending time living together straight, meeting his family, seeing where he comes from, etc. The feelings from before Africa flooded back to me before going, fear of laying down my heart, of being pushed out of my comfort zone. I have been criticized in so many relationships for "being at an arm's length", and relying on that length to keep me safe. But, I crossed that length by leaps and bounds for Bagamoyo and wasn't going to let it stop me again. And I'm glad I didn't.
This weekend has reinforced the fact that Tanzania has changed me, in a good way. As scared as I was to
push myself, and THEN to lose the rewarding feeling afterwards, I have found that you don't have to travel halfway across the world to lay down your heart, and the resolutions I have made can make a difference in living the life I want here. While I so wish to travel back to Tanzania as soon as I can, I am realizing how much it has helped me to experience my life here. I hope to keep this going in my life by creating new paths, keeping those experiences I have had alive by carrying them in my heart, and not being scared to lay it down when I need to.
