magic.

"And above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places. Those who don't believe in magic will never find it."

being back in the saddle.

"At some point you have to make a decision. Boundaries don't keep other people out. They fence you in. Life is messy. That's how we're made. So, you can waste your life drawing lines. Or you can live your life crossing them."

- Grey's Anatomy.

admitting I'm a bit lost right now.

So, a couple of months ago I received a love letter. Not the creepy kind of love letter, even though it felt that way at first, as he explained from the get go, but a letter of someone sincerely saying they were thinking about me and what had happened to me in my life. It was from a person I knew through grade school, up until graduation when we all parted ways, and came in the form of Facebook messages (take that Nicholas Sparks, get in my digital age). It started out with saying that I deserve to hear what he thought about me in the most honest way, because someone should tell me. This really...confused me, my mind jumping to I must have wronged him in some way back in school, and he wanted to get itoff his chest. So now, after years of being out of high school, this person decided to contact me:

Excuse my lack of explaining the situation, I was trying to avoid putting you in an awkward position. Basically, since I've met you, I felt a connection to you, and I always liked you more than a friend. The whole point of why I originally sent you a message then deleted it (although somehow an upside down question mark got sent) was because I felt motivated to tell you how I've always felt about you. Then I decided that I should delete that message that explained in detail why you were someone I adored and thought was absolutely amazing.

So, me, naturally being completely lost when it comes to anything like this, asked what he meant, since that was basically all I got, an upside-down question mark and some vagueness. The next part is where it really gets me...I then received the longest message I have ever received, in full detail, of many redeeming qualities this friend thinks I possess. That's it. Plain and simple. Not asking for anything in return, he just wanted me to know how he has felt about me, from the time in third grade in religious education classes at church, through the time I had my first boyfriend who was not treating me so kindly, up through high school when I loved to paint, and so on...in detail. For some reason, I laughed it off at the time, read it with my best friends, thinking of it as nice, but I. never. responded. I received a couple more messages, mostly with apologies for making things awkward, but I really didn't even pay attention to them. Life was moving too fast for me. For some reason, today I decided to get back to him, and I saw this final message:

Hey I'm sorry again this was stupidly embarrassing, and I realize it is weird to have explained all of this (I should have not tried to justify why I accidentally sent you something, and so let's just forget it). As I'm looking over this whole fiasco, it is so stupid I never honestly wanted it to go this way if I was going to tell you how I felt in the past haha... all

because of a stupid question mark that I can't explain either. It's pretty laughable how stupid it is. Sometimes it is what it is, you know? But basically I just wanted to tell you how amazing you are and I hope you realize it. Don't ever under value yourself (not that I'm saying you have or are), just remember that. And if you EVER need someone to vent to, need advice on something, or even anything at all, don't hesitate to ask. Good luck Mary, I hope all is well.

And now I'm thinking WHAT THE HELL, MARY? For someone who values kindness over matter, over anything else, why didn't I respond to such a heartfelt thing that someone has taken the time for? It's not like I had to drop everything and marry him, but why didn't I at least acknowledge how nice this was? What the hell was I doing that was so important for months that I couldn't at least respond?

And that's what puts me here, when I have to be up in a couple hours for a l

ong day of work, trying to type up some sort of response to make up for my lack of response. And why today, of all days, is this getting to me so badly?

caring.

"normal".

"And now we're supposed to go back to our normal lives. That's what people do. They have amazing experiences with another person and then they just go home and clean the bathroom or whatever."

- Susane Colasanti, When it Happens.

I totally get this right now, and am amazed by how this happens in life. I travel to East Africa and come back and can sit on my couch, watching crappy tv and eating junk food; come home from having an amazing experience with someone I love and have a completely normal day afterward. What do you do after these amazing experiences that honor what you've done? In the end, I guess it's day by day, in the little things you do that they show. They change you little by little, but I just don't know.

Children.

“

"Once a little boy sent me a charming card with a little drawing on it. I loved it. I answer all my children’s letters — sometimes very hastily — but this one I lingered over. I sent him a card and I drew a picture of a Wild Thing on it. I wrote, “Dear Jim: I loved your card.” Then I got a letter back from his mother and she said, “Jim loved your card so much he ate it.” That to me was one of the highest compliments I’ve ever received. He didn’t care that it was an original Maurice Sendak drawing or anything. He saw it, he loved it, he ate it." - Maurice Sendak

trying.

"'When people tell me that I'm good, my response is, 'I'm trying.' But there's some people that know me from back when- anytime I make a trip to New York- and when they hear I'm a pastor of a church, all of a sudden, it's like "'I know you gettin' paid, boy. I know you gettin' paid. I know you.'" He paused. His voice lowered. "No, I say. You knew me. You knew that person, but you don't know the person that I'm trying to become.'"

- Have a Little Faith: A True Story, by Mitch Albom